10/3: MY GUILT
October 3, 2009I have been the caregiver for my father since around May 2000. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in May 2008, but I have been his caregiver since 2000 when it was evident to me that it was harder for him to take care of himself.
Before 2000 I was living in a a studio in Harlem. I was there from 1996 until 2000 and loved every minute of it. I like the Bronx but I am not too fond of Co-Op City. It’s too far in the Bronx. I used to call it Northeast nowhere. Now I do like the Bronx but not that far up there.
I am writing a lot about myself right now. I will keep this short since I will explain more about who I am in a future bio. But from 1993-1996 I lived with my parents, shifting back and forth between Brooklyn and the Bronx. In 1996 my mother moved to Florida and I stayed with my father until I moved to Harlem.
I never had a problem staying with them. There was no rent to pay with my mother in Brooklyn since she owned the house. My father didn’t press me for anything. With the both of them I kept a job so I didn’t have to bum money off them.
As I mentioned I ultimately moved back with Dad in 2000. I was never home. I would either be at a friend across town or at Dad. I was paying $550 a month for rent in a place I wasn’t living in. Dad was getting older and needed more attention so I went back there. I don’t regret it. Even now with his diagnosis.
But……
With the both Mom and Dad the situation is depressing. I don’t see my mother but I speak to her on the phone. She needs assistance. Dad needs assistance. I need a life. I used to live in California and LOVED it. I want to go back. If I go back I can’t look out for Mom and Dad and will feel guilty. Plus since I put my life on hold here I have not advanced much in the workforce so I couldn’t even afford to live out there by myself.
So the question is…at what point do I live my life? How do I do me and not abandon my parents?
Before 2000 I was living in a a studio in Harlem. I was there from 1996 until 2000 and loved every minute of it. I like the Bronx but I am not too fond of Co-Op City. It’s too far in the Bronx. I used to call it Northeast nowhere. Now I do like the Bronx but not that far up there.
I am writing a lot about myself right now. I will keep this short since I will explain more about who I am in a future bio. But from 1993-1996 I lived with my parents, shifting back and forth between Brooklyn and the Bronx. In 1996 my mother moved to Florida and I stayed with my father until I moved to Harlem.
I never had a problem staying with them. There was no rent to pay with my mother in Brooklyn since she owned the house. My father didn’t press me for anything. With the both of them I kept a job so I didn’t have to bum money off them.
As I mentioned I ultimately moved back with Dad in 2000. I was never home. I would either be at a friend across town or at Dad. I was paying $550 a month for rent in a place I wasn’t living in. Dad was getting older and needed more attention so I went back there. I don’t regret it. Even now with his diagnosis.
But……
With the both Mom and Dad the situation is depressing. I don’t see my mother but I speak to her on the phone. She needs assistance. Dad needs assistance. I need a life. I used to live in California and LOVED it. I want to go back. If I go back I can’t look out for Mom and Dad and will feel guilty. Plus since I put my life on hold here I have not advanced much in the workforce so I couldn’t even afford to live out there by myself.
So the question is…at what point do I live my life? How do I do me and not abandon my parents?
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