So far:
I need to take better care of myself. On Friday I had a cup of apple sauce for breakfast, a cup for lunch and a cup for dinner with a few Townhouse crackers. Good if I was purposely dieting but not now.
Even though I still don't think Dad's death has really hit me yet I am depressed. Maybe you will call it mourning, I don't know. This entire scenario is depressing. The worst part is calling everyone and basically saying the same thing over and over again. I HATE delivering bad news. It has to be done but I detest it.
The hardest thing I had to do so far was to let my mother know. She gets spastic easily. I had to plan it out so that the home attendant would be there with my aunt so there would be support. She handled it better than I thought.
Nancy B didn't. Nancy was a friend of Dad's, more specifically the wife of Dad's best friend who has been deceased for a few years. Even while his friend (Sonny) was alive Dad was Nancy's second husband.
When I called the house Nancy answered and because of the wonders of caller ID she said "Hello Lonnie" in a very friendly voice. That voice got VERY guarded when she heard MY voice followed by an interruption "how's Lonnie?" She burst out into tears when I gave her the news. She took the news worse than my cousin Hortense.
We talked for awhile. I had spoken to Nancy on the phone before but I never met her. Dad and I were supposed to visit her during one of his trips to Florida, however since I don't have a license and I didn't want to drag Dad around on Greyhound we never made the journey to Palm Bay. Nancy spoke at length about how much of a good man my father was. Her tears brought on mine. Next to letting people know the news the hardest parts of this task is the acknowledgment from people of my work with Dad and hearing the wonderful things he did and what he meant to people.
The acknowledgment is nice but not necessary. I KNOW Dad loved me and is watching me from Heaven. I KNOW he appreciated whatever I did for him and tried to do for him. I did it willingly and I looked forward to most of it. I thought it was my duty to do as much as I could. So hearing the acknowledgments is ok, sometimes a little embarrassing. I DO appreciate it. Don't get me wrong. I don't think I was as good as he or other people think, but I do think he was well taken care of and happy.
I already said before that the tears first came when Carol (co-worker) gave my office wifey condolences for me. I went through SO much in that office when it came to Dad. I was on the chopping block. Management intended to fire me over my leave issues. I would come in all hours of the afternoon, mostly because of Dad. Some of it indirectly. I was exhausted. I still am. When he was home I had to make sure he was good to go for the senior center. In the nursing home I had to be there and be seen so his dementia wouldn't become an issue. People in the office knew that. And with the help of the Union I never gave up. every so often I would see a co-worker, both attorney and support staff and they would ask a question and offer quiet support. Even though I knew I was right I felt I had a greater purpose. People knew I wasn't bullshitting and I still for the most part handled myself with class. That acknowledgment still touches me.
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