ON A PERSONAL NOTE: RIP Part 5

How do I feel three plus days after my Dad dying? 

I feel sad and oddly NOT because he died.  Death in general is always at least partly sad.It's the end of something at least partly good.

Yesterday I realized I will NEVER hear our routine again on the phone:
"So long little Lonnie"
"So long Big Lonnie"
"Love you son"
"Love you too Poppi"
"God bless"
"God bless you too Poppi"

That was our routine  every time we spoke on the phone, which was at least twice a day.  We also had a routine when I left the apartment.  Dad just HAD to see me off.  He'd stumbled towards the door (he had that shuffling thing going) and stand there while I walked to the staircase:

"Don't slam that door"
"I never do"
"Don't start now"
"I won't"
"God bless"
"God bless you too Poppi"
"Love you son"
"Love you too Poppi"

By the way, don't get it twisted. My mother and I have a similar routine.  It's just not as detailed and mostly on the telephone.

Right now I feel vulnerable (maybe these are stages of grief).  Mostly I feel vulnerable because of my mother.  I worry about her falling or not being ale to tend to her.

I feel vulnerable for myself.  I was the one there for Dad.  Having him there was actually comforting to me.  As frail as he was he would actually try to take care of ME.    If I had the slightest sniffle he would hobble over to the kitchen to find me some juice or offer somehow to get me soup or tea.  He never stopped being a parent (and it is true, it is not the big things, but the little things you do).  Naturally because of his health I would never tell him if I wasn't feeling well and even if he figured it out I would do my best to do things myself.   I had to be strong for him.

In the days following Dad's death Japan had a terrible earthquake followed by a tsunami.  On Saturday a bus near Co-Op City apparently swerved out of the way of a tractor trailer and got into an accident killing at least a dozen and hurting everyone on the bus.  The top of the bus was sliced off.    All of a sudden I feel that every accident can happen to me.  I feel like tomorrow I will be diagnosed with diabetes or cancer and be here alone.

I now have to watch money.  In the past Dad's pension took care of the rent and the bills.  Thinking back to my ordeal with the job they ASSUMED I had another job.  In a sense I did.  My job was taking care of Dad.  He never grabbed onto his money and I had to take care of the bills so we were never really in need.  I guess this is why they gave me a hard time and thought they had me in a bad way.  By trying to fire me they intended to financially cripple me.  But that's another blog entry.

The bottom line is I was the caregiver for Alonzo Gibbs, but in a lot of ways he cared for me.